As they say, life is a series of choices. Yes, perhaps fate plays a part. However, it is always important to take responsibility for your life and actions. After all, we can't always blame everything on twists of fate. It is also like this for choosing a man.
Choosing a man can be overwhelming, so it is necessary to focus on what kind of man you want in your life. Ask yourself this question: "How do I know if he is the right one for me?" The answer may not come without some trial and error, and even then, it could be a hit and miss.
We all have different ideas of what we want in a partner. Some things you find adorable about a man could be a deal-breaker for some other girl. Or it may be that some girls don't know what kind of man they want. Maybe they are literal virgins or just dating virgins, and they have no idea what to look for.
Well then, you came to the right place. There are a few things we ladies need to keep in mind in choosing a man.
Love At First Sight
Sometimes, it is unavoidable, but a woman should never think that she is already in love with this one guy she once went out with for a couple of drinks. Anyone can become attractive after a couple of margaritas. How many conversations can anyone generate in that limited amount of time, anyway?
Think about it like this. Yes, sometimes, if a girl is really lucky, she'll find someone she is well-suited to, by chance. Maybe at a bar, maybe on a blind date. But it's just dumb luck. And the probability of that occurring to us? Let's just say that the odds are not in our favor.
Remember that shopping rule? Like, when a pair of shoes catches our eye (or blinds us with a want we can barely control) but, we'll stop ourselves from buying it. We'll look at it desperately and maybe hang around the store until it closes. But then we'll force ourselves to go home and get back to our lives. And if we still want it the minute we wake up the next day, then we buy it.
Yes, we can also apply that shopping rule here. Only, since a man is a lot more magnetic, we'll see if we can hold out for a week, at most. Or three days. The important thing is to be careful. A lady can't risk her heart without a few guarantees.
And the thing is, no matter how many Rom-Coms we watch, we shouldn't believe that love can occur at a snap of our fingers. Just like that. Because it doesn't. It can't. Love takes time and conversation. It takes a lot of work. Love is a choice.
We read about how people get their hearts stolen and such. But if we read on, we will also know that a heart freely given, by choice, is a lot more beautiful than a heart stolen in the dark of night. Sure, the latter can sound exciting and a bit dangerous. But that excitement doesn't last. And once it fades away, what will we have left?
So, ladies, enjoy the moment. Don't dive into a relationship quickly and headfirst. Tread water carefully. And once your body has adjusted to the water temperature, the current, and everything else we need to take into consideration, then, and only then, can you duck dive.
Avoiding Red Flags
Red flags wave for a reason. People, especially women, need to make sure they don't ignore them. This may make some people confused, especially about what constitutes a red flag (minus the paranoia). Let's see if we can explain it better.
Red flags are intuitive indicators of undercurrents of bad behavior. And they rarely let themselves be known without reason. No matter how much some think that they have lousy radars for bad guys, all human beings are equipped with this fantastic sensor. Perhaps it is that some people are just really good at ignoring them.
And that's when the problems occur. For some, it could be just verbal abuse, where they'll believe that they deserve to be mistreated and insulted because they've been stupid and paranoid. For others, it could be physical. It could even be serial cheating if there's such a thing. Gaslighting.
Some of the results of ignored red flags range from simple narcissism to physical assault. Date-rapes are even a thing now. So it would be a great help if women knew how to recognize red flags and take the necessary actions after identification. We deserve better. And creeps shouldn't be on our options.
It doesn't matter what he says. What matters is what he does. Actions speak louder than words. Just make sure he's consistent about not being a jerk.
The Long Haul
Relationships can get a little sticky if both parties don't make what they want clear from the get-go. It is always a good idea to make objectives known. Just so it's out there, and to prevent misunderstandings.
Sometimes, ladies and gents need a bit of fun rolling around and tangling the sheets. This is okay. However, do not expect the lady or the gent to stay the night and then make breakfast the next morning, just because there was awesome sex involved.
In the interest of full disclosure, there was no mention of building a solid and lasting relationship the other night when both parties were involved in extra-curricular activities. So it would be inappropriate to expect anything more from them.
This is dating 101. If a woman wants to make a relationship work, she has to, theoretically, put all her cards on the table. A relationship that starts off involving covert intentions has less chance of survival. Reading between the lines is okay, advised, even. But not when it comes to intentions. These have to be clear-cut.
Is he going to be okay with a real relationship? What about forming that real relationship with you? Will he want to work on it together? Is he the kind of guy who will put in the work, despite all the challenges?
Make sure he's in for the long haul, especially for women who want to settle down. These girls' priority would be stability and comfort, and perhaps love, eventually. They would have had enough of the excitement of one-night stands. So they'd probably want to make it clear, from the get-go, that they want a happy ever after, with a guy who won't quit when the times get tough.
Looking For Ideals
While it is not good to be an inflexible little lady, she, at least, needs to make sure that she knows what she wants. This is one of the things that girls should keep in mind in choosing a man. If a girl didn't figure it out, it would be good if she'd start by asking herself this question: "What do I find attractive in a man?"
The most obvious answers will pop up. It could be a handsome face, a good physique, a dashing smile, a good brain, quick wit, humor, or all of the above. She'd then have to move on to personality, and then the rest will fall into place. While she is trying to determine her general type of desirable male, she should keep in mind not expecting perfection from a man. She has to be realistic.
This is a very helpful activity. Because in the process of finding out the guy qualities she would go for, she'd also rediscover herself and, at the same time, rate her self-esteem. As they say, "You accept the love you think you deserve.". So if she thinks she's settling, she'd know, and then she'd have to ask herself why when she's such an obvious catch.
It is also important to note shared ideals. A lot in common is always better than nothing. If she could find a man with the same general beliefs and ideals as hers, they would live more harmoniously. Not in a conflict-free environment, no. That would be too easy, and therefore boring. Less conflict is better than butting heads over political beliefs every day over dinner for the rest of your lives.
Compatibility is key. While many couples can navigate through life even with differing beliefs and ideals, not a lot of them succeed or can sustain a lifetime of conflict like that. It takes a special kind of love for that to happen. And some pretty awesome people who can sustain everyday conflict without letting bitter resentment spew and erupt eventually.
Good Boy Vs Bad Boy
Faced with the choice between a good boy and a bad boy, always choose the former. A good man is stable and dependable, and while some girls might think that those qualities make them boring, it should still be the correct choice. A bad boy could bring excitement, but what comes with it is an air of unavailability. And if the woman prefers unavailability over stability, she needs to have a long talk with herself.
While a bad boy attracts a girl using his mysterious and rebellious nature, he will inevitably hurt her with just that slightest hint of vulnerability. Maybe not literally. Maybe she'll only be hurt by her expectations. But most likely, she'll be heartbroken by his emotional unavailability.
The novels only romanticize bad boys. The cold, hard truth about these guys is much more serious and sinister than meets the eye. They can be extremely narcissistic and anti-social. "Damaged" is the popular term, and while an unattractive one at that, some girls just can't quit longing for such guys.
There are so many reasons why good girls are attracted to bad boys, and yet, none of them sufficiently explain why such an unattractive end prospect pulls in so many women. Even girls who are wet behind the ears know better than to fall for these so-called bad boys. And yet, they can't help themselves.
But swimming against the current, while unpopular and extremely hard, is advisable in these situations.
Women are extremely attracted to men who have clear and bright futures. Money, while not the biggest issue, is still a factor in a relationship. No woman, no matter how strong and independent she is, would want to shackle herself up with a man who doesn't have a clear goal.
The future is full of uncertainties, and even with a man who so clearly loves her, she would still want one who can become a partner and an equal. An inferior man with no goal, and no future, is frankly too much work.
A man driven by a goal and a dream is the best kind of partner. Someone who also takes care of himself and his ambitions and can share these with his partner is the best kind of man. Nowadays, intelligence and ambition are a lot sexier than abs.
So ladies, go for the man you can be equal partners with and go for the relationship where you won't have to worry about who has the upper hand. Choose someone who can be your mate and your partner in your balanced and harmonious (and also occasionally chaotic) future.
So, if you're asking yourself, "How do I choose a man?", there are a lot of factors to consider. You should know that any of the guys around you right now could be the perfect partner for you. It all comes down to what is important to you and what your needs are in a relationship.
Think about whether or not they make you feel connected, loved, valued, appreciated, and happy by their actions and words. And remember how difficult relationships can be from time to time, but also remember just how great it feels when things work out with someone who appreciates and loves you unconditionally.
So, chill. You're going to have good days and bad days, and that's just life. It sounds like there are some very difficult decisions in your future, but it seems like you already know what the right answers will be when you come up against them. The most important thing is to try to not second-guess yourself too much or let other people influence your opinion of who the best would be for you.
Nicole Graham is a relationship expert at Womenio.com. She is helping women grow into their best selves so they can be confident and bring more love, passion, and purpose to their lives. Nicole enjoys studying the psychology of love and is passionate about writing on them. She offers helpful tips and advice to help overcome any relationship issue, whether you’re single or already in a relationship.