It feels so bad when someone is upset with you—much more if it's your significant other. So, what do you need to do if your boyfriend is mad at you?
Before I dive into that, I want you to know that being mad isn't always a bad thing. It actually shows that he has an opinion on what you may have done.
We all have different opinions of what should be done in certain situations. And when we're not getting what we want, it can lead to anger or frustration.
- Here's what to do when your boyfriend is mad at you
- Do's & Don'ts in Resolving a Fight With Your Boyfriend
- 3 Magic Words That Can Fix a Fight
Here's what to do when your boyfriend is mad at you
#1: First things first: determine what made him upset.
If he's upset, there is always a reason why. It may be because of what you said or did that made him angry, or there may also be an entirely different reason that isn't your fault.
Before you feel all bad about it, set your mind straight and think. Have you recently said or done anything that he may not like?
Let me cite a few examples:
- You didn't want to spend time with him.
- You said something that hurt his feelings.
- You ignored him.
- You fought over something he thinks is too petty.
- You didn't do something he wanted you to do.
- He thinks you were too busy with your phone.
- You were being friendly with a guy and he hates it.
- He thinks you were being cold.
- He feels like you are asking too much.
- You were overreacting at something he thinks is nothing.
And all sorts of other possible reasons. If your boyfriend is mad at you, just reflect on how you treated him in the past few days. Think not from your own perspective, but how he might see things from his.
Sometimes, we, girls tend to be defensive. We are trying to justify something we did as if there's nothing to be offended at all. But you and your partner are still two different people. You don't always think alike. What's okay with you might already be unfair to him.
If you think there is nothing you did that he may be mad about, start thinking of other things. Is there something bothering him and he's taking it out on you? Take note of this as we go to our next step.
Related: Is that love if he ignores me?
#2: Ask him why he's upset
You can’t solve a problem if you don't know what the real issue is. When you've thought about all the possible reasons, go talk to your boyfriend and figure it out. If he doesn't say it right away, try and ask if any of the things you think upsets him are the real reason why he's mad.
Important note: try not to get too angry or frustrated as you talk. It's easy to lose your calm if he refuses to tell you. But, it will only escalate the situation and make you less helpful than before. Remain calm during your conversation and don't raise your voice.
#3: Listen intently.
Once you were able to make him talk about it, the next thing you need to do is lend your ears. Let's face it: your boyfriend—or anyone else at that—needs to air it out when they're mad. It's part of the healing process.
And I understand it's not going to be easy for you. You're going to hear things you probably don't want to hear. But at the moment, your job would be to sit still and listen.
You'll be tempted to defend yourself but what you need to do is what I have been telling you: remain calm. As he's talking, just let him say what needs to be said. As he goes on, the anger will surely subside.
However, don't take too long because your boyfriend might not want anything more from this conversation. If he appears to be done after what he said, I suggest you begin saying what's on your mind in a calm voice, still. This brings us to the next step.
#4: Let him know his feelings are valid.
You see, we all want reassurance. We all want to know that we deserve to feel what we feel. Most of the time, the reason why men are having a hard time admitting their feelings is the fear of being invalidated.
Stop saying things like, "I'm sorry you feel that way..." It only implies that it's his fault for feeling angry and you have nothing to do with it. Instead, let him know that his feelings are okay and warranted.
"I understand how you feel..." is a good start. Then follow with, "This must be really hard for you right now." Or if he's been annoyed by your actions, say something like: "I know it didn't make sense to do that and I really shouldn't have done it..." These things will help make you a better listener as well.
If you find this challenging, there's a simple thing you can do. Think about how you want to be treated if you're in his shoes. Do you want him to make you feel bad about being upset? I don't think so. What you want to hear, for sure, is that you have every right to be mad.
So now, it's your turn to make him feel like he's important, that you value his feelings. After all, he's your partner, and the validation that everyone else refuses to give him should come from you.
#5: Sincerely be sorry and apologize.
This is the trickiest part and it may or may not take place depending on how things went. But if you sincerely think you offended your boyfriend, apologizing is what you need to do.
It's not the end of the world if you don't apologize right away. But I'm telling you, it will make things a lot easier for your boyfriend if he knows that you regret making him mad. Plus, when I say be sorry, you need to truly be sorry, not only for the sake of saying it.
Let him know that you won't do it again, or that you're at least willing to keep it in mind. Again, this also goes back to validating his feelings and showing that you know you did something wrong. In fact, if you're able to do this, I say you're growing in your relationship!
#6: Give him some space.
If you think you did your part and he still feels mad, you might want to step back a little and give your boyfriend some space to think. Try not to get offended when he tells you that he needs some time. It may seem like a reaction, but it's just him trying to think about what happened and how best to handle the situation.
And if you think you got hurt too, you may need some space as well. Try and get some space for a while, but keep in contact. If you think he's not really done with the conversation, call him back within the day to make sure everything is alright. If things are good again by then, you can continue talking about what happened.
However, if he doesn't respond, don't give up but don't push so hard either. Just take it for what it is and let him be. Hopefully, he'll come to you when he's ready.
Look at it in a positive way; spending time apart can help you get your thoughts together. When you think you have gathered your thoughts, you can initiate seeing each other again. If he's also thought things out, hopefully, you can spark another conversation and see how you want to take things from there.
Related: Make your boyfriend miss you
#7: Accept that you don't have the last word.
When you're in a relationship, it's all about compromise. While it's normal to have misunderstandings, you should still choose your battles. You are not always right, the same way that he isn't either. You don't have to make him feel like everything he says or does is right just to avoid upsetting him.
If your boyfriend stays upset or gets mad even more after you did your part, try and accept that you can't fight anymore. You don't always have to prove your point, or even try with him when he's not willing to listen. Sometimes the best thing you can do is give up on an argument because it will only get worse if you continue pressing for a resolution.
#8: Be okay with it.
It's possible that his anger only comes from a bad mood or an off day. It doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. There are times when you just need to brush it off and not take his anger personally. If it's no big deal, he'll get over it eventually.
Plus, make sure that you don't start thinking of ways to make him mad at you again so that the cycle can continue. You don't want that to happen.
If you think you just tend to overreact, you can also help yourself. You can try yoga, meditation, or practicing mindfulness. All of these things help you find your center, your calm. They help you establish a peaceful core, which should keep you calm and make you feel pleasant. Try to put the situation out of your mind.
At the end, when all is said and done and he's still mad at you, I'm willing to bet it's not about you anymore. You have to be okay with it and learn to move on.
Do's & Don'ts in Resolving a Fight With Your Boyfriend
Couples fight and get mad at each other. It's part of being in a relationship. What makes the biggest difference is how you resolve it.
Whether it's you who got mad, or it's him who's mad at you, there's is always a time to clear up your head and talk about it.
To help you resolve any conflict in your relationship the best way possible, here are a few do's and don'ts I need you to remember.
DO: Try to validate his feelings, as I mentioned earlier. He might not say he's mad, but if he thinks you did something wrong, there's always a hint of pain in there.
DON'T: Be defensive. It's okay to get angry, but it will not help if you just want him to feel bad instead of discussing what happened.
DO: Give your boyfriend some space when he needs and wants it. Again, it's good for him to have some time to think about the situation or deal with his own feelings.
DON'T: Push him to talk about what happened when he has no interest. If it's been a while, then you may want to ask if he wants to talk. You can also try and initiate another discussion after some time apart is given; that way you can both have time to think about what happened and come back with a fresh perspective.
DO: Accept that your opinion may not be the right one. You don't always have to prove yourself, but it's important to realize that you're not always right either. Your boyfriend is just as human as you are!
DON'T: Stay angry. I understand that you might get mad after trying to talk about your conflict, but you need to regain yourself. At some point, you should loosen up and give way for another healthy talk. Especially if you feel like the relationship is worth fighting for, try and talk about it more than once.
DO: Avoid making him feel like he has no choice but to do what you want. Remember, it should be all about compromise. The key here is willingness. You should both be willing to give something up in hopes of saving the relationship.
DON'T: Overreact when things don't go as planned. A lot of times, we're not in control and if things don't work out, then there might be a reason later on.
DO: Make him smile or laugh. You need to reach a point where things are going light. Then, go back to being the happy couple that you are. Don't always take things too seriously. I know a lot of couples that fight over small things and they able to laugh about them afterward!
DON'T: Gossip about your fights. You're going to have a lot of heated moments, but don't spread them out into the world. It's never good and doesn't help anything at all!
DO: Have faith in your relationship. You might not always see eye-to-eye or be happy about everything, but you know when it is often worth fighting for. You need to trust that you're both willing to make it work and if there's love, then it'll be all worth the effort.
DON'T: Give up on your relationship without any real fight. Again, if you've got a good thing going with someone who loves you back as much as you do them, don't let it slip away just because you're having a hard time.